No Coincidences
I am not sure that I believe everything happens for a reason but I do believe that there are no coincidences. Me meeting and falling in love with Jarrod was no coincidence. I am certain I am right where I am meant to be. The road I took to get here was a long and hard road but it made me who I am today and that is who Jarrod fell in love with.
How did I get here?
Well it all started with a glass of wine , a pint of Ben and Jerry's, and match.com
It was a typical school night... ( I think it was a Wednesday) I made the kids dinner (my guess Annie's Mac & Cheese) and tucked them in for the night and went to have my go to dinner of a glass or two of wine and some ice cream... it's all I could stomach those days and I thought to myself this is going to be a pretty lonely and pathetic life. Maybe just maybe I should consider what it would be like to date. So I decided to check out Match.com and the next thing I knew I had set up a profile. Thinking it would take months for me to meet someone since I'm a busy working mom, living in a rural area I thought this is going to be difficult. But, I have to put myself out there. I was just so lonely. I missed having someone to chat with about my day... at this point it had been three months since Mike had passed and everyone had gone back to their own lives. The meals had stopped, the visits and calls had stopped, I was all alone with the kids and I was sad, angry and lonely and I knew I didn't want to be alone.
Some of you might be gasping at three months and thinking it is way too soon and to you I say... well I won't say what I want to say.... I don't care what you think. This isn't your story. I don't mean to sound harsh... but there is more to our story that you are probably unaware of.
What you probably don't know is that Mike and I were for all intents and purposes separated. (we were still living in the same house) but were living pretty separate lives and we were contemplating divorce at the time of his cancer diagnosis. We rallied and made the decision that we would work on our marriage and try counseling once we found out about his cancer because death makes you stop and think. (But we never got the chance) So I'll never know how it would of played out for us. I do know that my husband died with me cuddled in his arms, just as I had been for the last 16 years. Mike and I had an amazing love story filled with much joy, happiness and unbelievable sorrow. And sadly the sorrow had caught up to us and come between us and we just couldn't get back to what we once had.
The thing is the death of a child changes you and what I thought would completely shatter me... shattered my husband and he never dealt with or had the opportunity to work through his grief. I blame myself for that... He was always being strong for me and I worry that I wasn't strong enough for him. Katy was Daddy's girl and she took a huge piece of his heart with her to heaven.
You see as the mom of a brand new infant I had Riley completly dependent on me for her survial and I clung to that sweet baby girl with everything I had and in many ways that seven pound baby saved me. She needed me as much as I needed her. I had convinced myself that Mike and Patrick would survive without me but Riley needed me, she litteraly depended on me for nourrishment and I clung to that. Sure there was formula but that wasn't what was best for her. In those early days in my darkest days of grief I would hold on to Riley, often not leaving my bedroom. Mike took care of everything. My only job was to get through the day and take care of Riley. Those were some difficult days for both of us. But while I was working through my grief... Mike was pushing his way down. We grew further apart each day.
Slowly I emerged from my grief filled days a stronger person. A different person. I was transformed into who I am today. Someone I didn't recognize at first and surely Mike didn't. I was strong and I knew if I was going to survive without Katy I had to be this new version of myself. I don't know exactly how to describe what happened but I made a decision and a promise to myself to Patrick and to Riley that I was going to be present and happy and provide them with the best version of myself. A mom that they deserved and could be proud of. Shortly there after I went back to work full time and after that our marriage just disolved.
I can only speculate what happened to Mike and sadly he isn't here to share his story so I don't think it's fair for me to try and speak for him. So this space is only my thoughts, my feelings, my opinions of what happened. With that said it's my opionion Mike was in a deep depression. I think as he saw me moving forward he didn't know what to do. We were now in such diffrent places. Never once did he waver as a loving doting father. No matter how hard his days were even when the cancer treatment started he was always there for Patrick & Riley. They were his world.
Mike's death was quick and unexpected we thought we had more time. So we didn't have a lot of time to discuss all that needed to be said. But I know all Mike ever wanted was for me to be happy. He spent our entire marriage (even the hard days ) ensuring that I was as happy as I could be. He wanted our kids to have a happy life. Jarrod makes all of us very happy. I hope and pray that Mike is reunited with our Katy Girl and they are happy.
You see I have to believe that Jarrod was sent to me by Mike, by God, by the universe by someone because he is just too perfect. Jarrod and I started chatting on Match the 2nd day I was on it... I thought he was so handsome... he was funny too. We agreed to meet for dinner at Delaney's that Saturday night and, we had a great first date neither one of wanted it to end. Second date was just as good, 3rd date I was ready to let him meet the kids... it was crazy how quickly I was falling for this guy! I needed to know if he was going to jive with the kiddos and of course he did. And the rest is history. Jarrod and I have a fairytale love story and it just keeps getting better. I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else and I am so very thankful for this wonderful man. Jarrod has changed me world. I never imagined I would feel so much happiness again. I am genuinelly happy and at peace with where I am in life. If I had to go through all I went through to get here it was worth it.
You see as the mom of a brand new infant I had Riley completly dependent on me for her survial and I clung to that sweet baby girl with everything I had and in many ways that seven pound baby saved me. She needed me as much as I needed her. I had convinced myself that Mike and Patrick would survive without me but Riley needed me, she litteraly depended on me for nourrishment and I clung to that. Sure there was formula but that wasn't what was best for her. In those early days in my darkest days of grief I would hold on to Riley, often not leaving my bedroom. Mike took care of everything. My only job was to get through the day and take care of Riley. Those were some difficult days for both of us. But while I was working through my grief... Mike was pushing his way down. We grew further apart each day.
Slowly I emerged from my grief filled days a stronger person. A different person. I was transformed into who I am today. Someone I didn't recognize at first and surely Mike didn't. I was strong and I knew if I was going to survive without Katy I had to be this new version of myself. I don't know exactly how to describe what happened but I made a decision and a promise to myself to Patrick and to Riley that I was going to be present and happy and provide them with the best version of myself. A mom that they deserved and could be proud of. Shortly there after I went back to work full time and after that our marriage just disolved.
I can only speculate what happened to Mike and sadly he isn't here to share his story so I don't think it's fair for me to try and speak for him. So this space is only my thoughts, my feelings, my opinions of what happened. With that said it's my opionion Mike was in a deep depression. I think as he saw me moving forward he didn't know what to do. We were now in such diffrent places. Never once did he waver as a loving doting father. No matter how hard his days were even when the cancer treatment started he was always there for Patrick & Riley. They were his world.
Mike's death was quick and unexpected we thought we had more time. So we didn't have a lot of time to discuss all that needed to be said. But I know all Mike ever wanted was for me to be happy. He spent our entire marriage (even the hard days ) ensuring that I was as happy as I could be. He wanted our kids to have a happy life. Jarrod makes all of us very happy. I hope and pray that Mike is reunited with our Katy Girl and they are happy.
You see I have to believe that Jarrod was sent to me by Mike, by God, by the universe by someone because he is just too perfect. Jarrod and I started chatting on Match the 2nd day I was on it... I thought he was so handsome... he was funny too. We agreed to meet for dinner at Delaney's that Saturday night and, we had a great first date neither one of wanted it to end. Second date was just as good, 3rd date I was ready to let him meet the kids... it was crazy how quickly I was falling for this guy! I needed to know if he was going to jive with the kiddos and of course he did. And the rest is history. Jarrod and I have a fairytale love story and it just keeps getting better. I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else and I am so very thankful for this wonderful man. Jarrod has changed me world. I never imagined I would feel so much happiness again. I am genuinelly happy and at peace with where I am in life. If I had to go through all I went through to get here it was worth it.
Comments
Post a Comment